It is a tear filled day

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since the beginning so I am not really surprised that today the emotions became overwhelming. I suppose the thought of our journey coming to fruition can make even the sanest individual a bit insane. We do not have a travel date as of yet but some that were submitted just a week earlier are getting first week of June dates so we are fully expecting the second week in June. We have no reason to believe that it will be any later than that. So why am I not jumping up and down? Why do I feel the tears flowing today?

I suppose there are a variety of reasons.. maybe some that make sense and maybe others that do not. Money is a huge factor.. as it has always been on this journey. We are short about $4500.00. I do the number crunch in my head and it makes me dizzy. We will be not only be trying to live in another country for weeks but also making sure things are taken care of here. We will be missing out on some paychecks which for a one income family that is huge. We have to scrape together what we can to make sure that the kids here and my mother who is taking care of them have what they need to live. I have no way of raising the funds on my own anymore. I have tried the fundraising route and my last one barely covered the costs of the prizes we gave away. I am tapped.. physically, financially and emotionally. I can't even buy a new outfit for court.

I have a 2 1/2 year sweet little boy here that is cognitively and emotionally about the age of a 14 month old. A little boy that if I leave the room panics now. A little boy who when I left for one hour and left him with the one person who will be watching him for our trip away kept crying for 30 minutes until he fell asleep from exhaustion. Who when I came home my non verbal son awoke and just babbled what seemed like he was trying to communicate oh thank God you are back mommy. A little boy who took his little chubby hands and rubbed my face and kept kissing me. I will be leaving him for up to 4 weeks the first trip and it breaks my heart. I feel like I am abandoning him. I keep looking ahead and know that my son needs me in the other country to bring him home. I realize he is counting on me and love him dearly but it does not make me feel any better about the little boy I must leave behind. I have never been away from him for long periods of time and now he must be without both his mommy and daddy and that is hard on me.

I am scared.. My feelings are raw and exposed right now. What if we get there and a judge tells us that Joshua can't be ours? What if he is frightened and will not warm up to us? What if an unexpected cost comes up and we just can't find the money?

Maybe it is just that my birthday is tomorrow and I always feel weepy as I turn another year older. I am no longer that young mom with all the energy in the world and now I will have 2 little boys who are going to depend on me for a very long time. I do not want to disappoint them. They mean the world to me and I want to be the best mommy to them both.

So here I am crying tears.... maybe a bit of feeling sorry for myself. But that is OK sometimes. This too shall pass and will be a distant memory as I am watching my youngest sons with smiles on their faces and playing together in our home. Just for today I need the tears.