Memorial

Today was my sister's memorial. It was a beautiful. I thought that I would be strong and for the most part I did pretty good. The most difficult part is seeing my beautiful sister resorted to a small box of ashes. But I know she is completely whole, just as beautiful and in no pain dancing in heaven.

Here is what I said today:
When someone passes away we are always told to remember the good times and not dwell on the past. It is easy to go overboard and try to make them some sort of saint in their passing. I am not going to do that. Angie was human; she had flaws just like everyone. She was beautiful. She was my sister. She was the girl who would play Barbies with me and allow me to control the whole dialogue of our dolls. She was the first person I ran to when I found out I was pregnant with Trevor. She was the first to buy me a pregnancy test with each subsequent child. No matter where in life Angie was at- she was devoted to her babies. That is what she called each and everyone one of her nephews. Her babies that is what she would call them. I often wondered how life would have looked for her had she had children of her own. We always would say out of all of us- she was the one who would make the best mother. They were her joy as if she herself bore them. Tasks that seem daunting for a parent, she would gladly offer assistance and just loved it. She would ask to come over daily just to visit the kids and give them their baths. While I was recently out of the country, she came daily to give Jake his bath. He hated to have his hair washed. She taught him what I had been unable to, she taught him to tip his head back. Now washing his hair isn’t so daunting and each and every time I do it, it will remind me of her.Angie loved completely without judgment. It is very hard in this world to find people like that. In a world where judging comes easy and unconditional love shown is difficult, Angie showed unconditional love without judgment. She had good and bad times as we all in life experience and attitudes towards her were sometimes to never forget and never forgive I often feel guilt in that I applied that attitude sometimes as well. I look back now and wish that my forgiveness at times hadn’t taken so long. Just recently Angie and I talked about emotions. I stated regret and guilt were useless in my eyes. They accomplish nothing but consume you and make it unable to move on. How funny that the advice and words I shared would be such a struggle for me now. Life is too short... just a short time of living and loving those around us. A short time of acceptance and the ability to show someone that although they are flawed they are loved. I hope Angie knew that she was loved. I believe deep down she did. I believe she did deep down because no matter what was being said to her or what our discussions were she always said she loved me. She had an incredible love and understanding that I often lacked. There is so much more I could say but the reality is these are things I should have said to her more often. I close my eyes and can almost hear her say... I know Hun and I love you too. I would give anything to have my beautifully flawed loving sister back. I can’t do that now and I know she is looking down and it would pain her to see us hurting so much. She would tell us she is in a much better place and not to cry. It would hurt her to see anyone hurting. For Angie we must move on without her but know she is in a better place with my grandparents and my Aunt Norma. We must try to find comfort in the knowledge that we were blessed to have our flawed daughter, sister, aunt, niece and friend for this time on earth and that one day we will see her again. I want to just share a little of our talks with my parents. Mother- I want you to know that Angie never took for granted everything you did for her throughout the years. She was keenly aware of each and every thing and sometimes never said thank you but always felt it. She would want you to remember the last words you both said to one another, I love you. Daddy- Angie might not always have understood you and sometimes our Aspin genes would cause a few butting of heads. But we talked in great length about all you did for us growing up. We always knew we could count on you when the chips were down. We knew and we felt loved by you. Words will never trump our love for you. To Debbie, my nephews, my husband, my boys and all my extended family and friends- you are all flawed, you are all beautiful and you are all loved.