Updates or nothing

You spend days, weeks running around to gather this and that- you come home, get the documents checked and are almost reduced to tears when just one little thing is not right and you have to do it all over again. That has been me in the last few weeks. Today there is nothing.. no documents to gather, no documents to check and cry over. It is truly out of my hands right at this moment.

I never thought I would say this but that scares the heck out of me. There are 2 pieces of my dossier yet to gather. And they are both out of my control at this moment. We have the important homestudy and our 171H approval to adopt from our government. And the latter is dependent on the first. Everything has been apostilled except those two pieces. Everything is in place for shipping to the unnamed country except for those two pieces.

I am not scared about what happens after those two pieces get to me. I am scared that I must solely count on a social worker and a government official. I already have my congressman on speed dial ready to move my USCIS as fast as possible but again I must count on them understanding my urgency. We already have seen from our social worker that apparently my explanations do not fully describe urgency because we have to wait another 7 days just for our last meeting. Then however long it takes her to finish it. I sometimes get so sad that it seems like my voice is not being heard, more importantly Joshua's voice is not and that angers me something fierce. As a mother this is the most frustrating aspect. Dismiss me if you do not want to help me but DO NOT dismiss my child.

So while there is nothing to do with the paperwork aspect of our adoption, I am still praying hard. Praying that our efforts will make it to his country before or if any changes are going to take place. I know I must still raise funds to bring him home but that is very hard. There are so-o-o many fundraisers going on right now. They say the squeaky wheel gets the oil but I just don't have the loudest squeak as others. There is an overwhelming guilt that is associated with fundraising when so many others whom I consider close friends on FB are doing the same. I am taking Jacob to an art studio tomorrow and am hoping for his 2 1/2 year old creative juices to flow. We are hoping to offer some Jacob Warner art prints for sale :) But today I just need a day of nothing. Last night I went to bed just with an overwhelming heavy heart. Heavy for the news that rocked some RR families and heavy with concern for Joshua. I feel a hole in my heart that only bringing him home can fill. Don't get me wrong I am blessed and my life is great! But something changed in me months ago when I saw Joshua's picture.The same way as when each of my children were first handed to me at birth. I looked in their faces and truly felt love. I continue to look at Joshua's picture and feel that love. Miles and water might separate us but my love for him continues to grow. I just have to bring him home and I just can't give up till that happens.