Random rants..

It has been awhile since my last post and this post promises to be all over the place. I think by now most of you who have been regular visitors know that I do not hold back when I am posting about my feelings. I also want to make it very clear that I feel so blessed to have been a part of this journey and would not trade this experience for the world. So when I rant about things it isn't so much to complain as it is just to get some feelings out which I truly believe are normal feelings.

Joshua is always smiles when we visit. There is still a slight resistance to hugs and kisses. Not that he does not allow them but rather he pushes back a bit and looks up with his blue eyes like "What exactly are you doing?" I know that in his world this kind of affection is new and in time he will come to expect and react to them. In the beginning when we would attempt to tickle him he would remain stoic now he opens up and actually giggles. He is so quiet in his laughing and when a toy gets out of his reach we can hear a moan like whine but it is ever so quiet. I expect him to find his voice when we get home and he is around Jacob more :) I hate having to take him back to his caregivers. I said they were really good at this orphanage and they are compared to other stories I have heard from other orphanages however, a child Joshua's age will sit in a seat for a long period of time with absolutely zero toys in front of him. Many children will resort to rocking or in Joshua's case he tends to play with or wring his hands together. We have noticed that when he pushes his toy just out of reach for him he will just softly whimper then start wringing his hands. We have been told these children spend so much time self soothing for so long that really for attachment purposes we have to work the opposite of what you would normally do. Does that make sense? See for a child that has needs met through a healthy parental bond- you work towards self soothing and independence of sorts. Well for a child who has not had that healthy parental bond you do the opposite. You work towards developing a strong attachment to the parents. It really is hard to develop a true bond and true attachment by visiting for a few hours a day. That is why we are just waiting for the day we can take him out of there for good.

We have had a difficult couple of days.. I think it is getting closer and closer to the end and it is getting harder and harder for us to be away from home. Some of the things we miss... obviously Cody, Ryan and Jacob. We miss them so so much. We have skyped and talked with them but remember the last paragraph and the hugs and kisses. We miss kissing on Jacob and him hugging us back and kissing us back. Yes we know that in time those are things we will get from Joshua as well but right now momma is missing that tremendously. So is daddy. I miss having a dryer..Today is laundry day

I have lost one pair of underwear to the storefront below our balcony by drying this way. Our socks are like pieces of cardboard when they are done drying. I miss driving places. We walk everywhere or we have to call our translator to call us a cab. Then when the cab comes we have to call her again to tell them where we need to go. I miss brownies. They have pastries which I suppose some people find them fabulous but I just want a good old fashioned brownie. OH WITH A GLASS OF MILK!! I miss milk.. they have what they call milk but it is unpasteurized and most of the time sitting on the shelf expired. I miss having more than one pair of pajamas.. I miss my best friend, Shannon. I miss our million talks a day on the phone. I miss my parents..they have been such a tremendous source of strength for us by taking care of our kids and home while we are gone and I know it has been difficult for them but they have never complained. I miss our dogs. So many things that I take for granted at home.. like more than one bath towel... clean water from the tap... ice cubes.. I could go on and on..

Things that I won't miss from here.. as you saw hanging laundry on the balcony. Body odor from a taxi driver who has his arm out a window so the scent wafts through to the back while our windows are closed, TV that has no english speaking channels, washing machine that is in Russian so most of my clothes have soap residue and I do not know what is a rinse cycle on it, hot water that works only some of the time, 71 steps to get to our apartment, and food that I have no clue what it is.

Things that have weighed heavily on my heart- the elderly and how they are treated. I have seen so many elderly working hard at filling holes in streets and doing jobs that are clearly too difficult for them. Many elderly sit in the extreme heat along the sidewalks holding signs looking for money.

One morning after going to the supermarket, Dave was going to deposit some money into a can and the woman pointed to our bread. We gave her the loaf and she was so grateful and began eating it while making the sign of the cross.

Another sad scene is the animals here. There are so many dogs and cats that roam the streets looking for food. They are so very thin. We have never encountered a mean dog but are amazed at how we have not seen any get hit by cars by their darting in and out of traffic. We have encountered so many scenes of little kittens in small places.

So ok I got a few feelings off my chest. My final thing I would like to say in this post is simple.. If someone would ask me to do this all over again knowing what I know now would I do it??
I WOULD DO THIS ALL OVER IN A HEARTBEAT.. WHY? I COULD TELL YOU IN WORDS BUT HOW ABOUT SOME PHOTOGRAPHS INSTEAD?